When It All Came Undone Tonight

How can I bear this
Its like burying a dear friend
How can I bear this
What a horrible end

Please know I never meant you harm
These words weren't meant to cause a fight
I feel like fingers missing an arm
When it all came undone tonight

"I have to let you go" you said
What does that mean
Oh let me wake in bed
Let it all be a dream

Another year gone past
I feel my soul ripped out
It all happened so fast
I fear for tears I am tapped out

You were never mine to keep
And I feel imprisoned
Did we let our feelings dig too deep
Where was the clue I was missing

You mean the world to me
And we let it end like this
You are like autumn air I breath
Like a flower I can't resist

We will always have Jackson
And our snow flake covered walks
I can't believe I let this happen
And my mouth is too dry to talk

I am letting you know I ache inside
This is something I have rarely felt
It all came undone tonight
And I can feel my soul sadly melt

Another Man Along Her Way

Does she not know her self worth
I have lived next to her for years
I hear them fight almost every night
And I wonder how she makes up her mind to stay

I would show her the world from the top of my mountain
I can show her love, love she needs more now than anything
I would fill her life with the night sky
Stars would fill her eyes

Her sadness
I would drive to madness
I beg for just one chance
One chance, and on stars we'd dance

Angel, love is all around me
Hold onto me
Oh come closer to me
And don't let go

If the ties that bind break in two
Would I suite to stand next to you
And what if time was ours
Could I keep your love in an alabaster jar

The way your eyes deserve the fire they bring me
Makes my heart ache and break in two
I throw it all away
So I guess I'll pretend it doest end this way
I'll meet you at your door everyday
And pretend everything is the same

I want to de-throne his power over you
Like a love drunk fool
I would fight for your freedom
The only word that saves

I don't know a thing
Other than the warmth seeing you brings
So with my dirty rage I wait
With longing in my gaze
That you can see through this window pane

I really have nothing like you left to lose
Should I tell you he isn't listening anyway
But its totally up to you to choose
And nothing is changing anyway

What's the point in all this pining
She walks past me everyday
Without a final glance
Without a thought of chance
I am another man along her way

I Wish I Could Feel You Tonight

I wish I could feel you tonight
You are so far away I want to reach out
And touch your heart

You see I am not so bad
My intentions are pure
And I love you so

If I rearranged my life
Would you find a place to sit down
And become my delicate secret

These are crazy days
And all the stars seem to say
It will be alright

The dark
I hate it so
When the moon rises
And won’t leave me alone

When my childhood comes for me at night
Your face bathes me in light
I hope that never ends

I am not unhappy
I am comfortable
And a touch lonely

Like the woods in winter
My heart waits
For the spring you bring to me

And all it takes
A few words
A call by mistake

You are mine again
A few moments
We are one again

Happiness is all I wish for you
I hope you can feel that
I am with you whatever you go through

Rio Triste

One night, in the pueblo of Tamazula where I lived in Mexico, it was too hot to sleep. I found myself restless and in need of a cooling night walk through the jungle. My footsteps lead me to a small river that lazily made its way through the thick green jungle just over a mile from my small house. Two small logs were thatched together and made a make-shift bridge that connected the well beaten trails that lead to the river. The locals called the small river “Rio Triste” which means “Sad River”. I never understood why they called it the Sad River; it had always been a place I looked forward to passing during my daily tasks. This night I found it dark and peaceful. I sat for hours watching the full moon dance on the slowly passing water, and lost in my thoughts I heard someone approaching. I scrambled to my feet and hid behind a large tree, waiting to see who it was. As I sat, crouched I saw her; it was a young lady, maybe nineteen or twenty years old. The moon shone off her dark hair, and she just stood there, looking across the river, waiting. I sat there, transfixed by her beauty. My gaze was broken when I watched her face turn into a smile followed with a small exclamation of glee. I followed her eyes, to see what had brought her so much joy. I saw a young man crossing the small bridge to her. They met in a very strong embrace followed with a passionate kiss that lasted for some time. When their young lips finally separated they began to talk. Her name was Alma, a daughter of a rich watermelon farmer. And he was Noah, the son of a fisherman from the small town of San Blas. Their conversation moved to topics of love, poetry and promises. Noah became frantic in his promise to marry her, no matter what her father had to say. He promised a life outside of Mexico, a life in the United States. He had walked the entire evening just to see her. He told her his love for her was as strong as the mountain her father’s farm was on. From where I was crouching I could tell she believed him. She wiped her tears away and Noah lead Alma to a quiet place where they could physically express their love for one another. When I was sure they were gone, I got up and began the mile hike home; the whole time smiling, thinking of Noah and Alma. From that day to now, that river, and small bridge means so much to me, and has become a metaphor for my life.

Consistency

It is a cruel reality that as humans we watch loved ones grow old, crumble, and die. And at the same time I can walk out my door and see the same Robin, and hear its sweet song just as I did as a young boy. I can go to the river and catch the same fish I caught when I was six, and it would look, smell, and taste just the same today as it did those years ago. It is as though nature is in a state of perpetual youth. There are days I long for such consistency in my life.

Cold Blue Stream

I know your laughter through the trees
It makes me smile when it reaches me
You look so amazing when you sleep
And when I dream, it is you I see

She is a valley deep and green
She is a cold blue stream
She is everything that means anything to me

You fill our time with magic
And when you dance, you make the music
You have always been so free
And showing how to be free is the gift you have given me

With every white light
Before the sun reaches to touch the sky
I turn your memory over in my mind
And I am on fire knowing you are mine

You are a valley deep and green
You are a cold blue stream
You are everything that means anything to me

The Sweetest Dream

Mirror reflect this scream
I've angered long
To chance upon the sweetest dream
So stretch my skin
Restless gods
In cryptic words
Riddled songs
Break apart this for which I long

Make it turn
My heart of hearts
I need pain to change my life
Gentile mist
And turning leaves
We all come to bury truth

My naked soul
Just has to grieve
If I leave
I will move against my will
Stay with me a while
While I sleep

Am I so blind to believe
This is what I am
Can't they see
This cable coils
Around my neck
Now and then
I could use a friend
A friend of use

My roots are buried deep
As deep as they can climb
Now and then
I could use a friend
A friend of use

There is always one more scar
I am sure to blame for this
I need to get this too
Now and then

Her Gaze

All alone and cold as stone
With no man to call her own
Lost in a world of love
Seeking solace in the pillow she hugs

She screams through the distance between
She hates what she is too scared to see
And gazing down the deepening hole
She’s reaching out for her last bit of hope

In her mind is her secret life
Keeping all deep inside
To the north she casts her gaze
Wondering if they will meet up again

Luna Mejicana

I remember the sun was setting
The Mexican moon through the jungle
It clung to Maria as she walked past my window
I wanted to speak to her
But the language left me, and she walked away
Every night I stood at my window
Hoping she would return
Wanting the moon to bring her from the mountains
I would stay up all night, in the heat, waiting
Then, the moon shined bright
She walked my way
Passed with a hello
And returned to the jungle
She was my fantasy
And I can’t dream enough

Fire flies

We would lie among fire flies
Watching fireworks light up the July sky
Sitting on the park swings
Listening to the breeze sing through the willow trees
These moments we’ll miss
Laughter in the night, a secret kiss

Let’s dance the streets
Let ours be counted among the tapping feet
To you I’ll sing
Lets break these chains that youth brings
And run away

Keep up, keep up
This night is ours
Bathed in moon light
From up here
City lights look like stars
We leave no trace of time wasted
As seek out loves mystic places

The road leads home
We go to sleep
In my heart
This dream I’ll keep

Grateful

I was so grateful that night
Billy was there
He sang songs of perfection and nightmares
And I stood on my own two feet
When Peter showed me how to grieve and find Mercy Street

At night I find myself walking in the trees
Where starlight graces me through green leafs
For daylight is far too bright for thoughts this dark
Here we must hide; here this pain finds its mark

Maybe I am born a bit out of my time
And it’s breaking my life in two
Sometimes I cry my heart to sleep
With this innocence and you

Never Yield

They're all laughin
Because I am shadow walkin
This boy who wanton change
They're all laughin while they live so strange

Innocence, this bruised heart
Can they feel me all
Can they feel my soul
These consequences be they may
I so vow to never change
I so vow to never yield

They bend to shift my will
I relax with sharpened quill
I wonder if it will ever break

In the deep and under trees
So far gone they cannot see
Open up this gentle breeze
And I melt away

I am shadow walkin
Now my shadows laughin
These consequences be they may
I so vow to never change
I so vow to never yield

Things I miss

I remember your room, how it smelled, your bed, the porcelain masques on the walls
Sitting cross-legged on the floor, listening to little star, and talking about it all
You used to keep all your photos in your closet
All those pictures of Kansas, and people I hadn't met
Only one window gave evidence of the outside world
I always thought of you as my girl

You told me the best gift was to be free
I just never thought you meant me
That was more than a stupid crush, or silly thrill
I am in love with you, I love you still

I loved to sing to you because you liked it
I remember being at Karens' eating German chocolate
I am glad we went, and that we had the chance
I told you I would go, I promised you that
We ran through that corn field, cutting our own path
It was under the over-pass where I heard you really laugh

Pictures at the park
It was just before dark
Standing on the dock
In a kiss, our souls were locked
You told me the best gift was to be free
I just never thought you meant me

I have never hated you, I have only secretly loved you
Even during the summers in town when I would see you
I just wish we had one last hug, one last kiss
This was to let you know all the things I miss

I still love you

Just stop thinking about it

Just stop it, he thought. Just stop thinking about it; "I can't" he whispered as he stood to turn off his stereo. I need to know, and that is that. He turned quickly to his closet and pulled out his heavy coat, the coat she picked out for him, the one she always said she loved. It wouldn't have even been an issue, but she didn't call from home, I know she didn't. His thoughts became more rushed as he stood in the snow thinking about what to do next. "It has to be five below out here", he said with a puff of steam rising from his cold lips. He stood there staring at the stars. The town was quiet, as quiet as it gets near midnight. The only sounds were that of the river just behind his house, and the lonely sound of the trains' whistle far off in the valley. He knew from his first step into the frozen snow that there would be no turning back, " I have to know". Walking the dark, empty streets of his mountain town his mind was filled with thoughts that flashed memories of things he would miss if this nightmare became real. The way she would cover her mouth when she laughed to try to hold it in, how she could be so sweet and understanding right when he needed her to be, and the way she smelled; all filled his mind with each crunching footstep. Then his thoughts turned to him. He swung his arms into the cold night air at the image, at the thought of him. When he finally shook his anger, he was shocked to find himself standing in front of his destination, the small red bricked apartment building that sat right across from the now snow covered city park. "What the hell am I doing? This is stupid, and besides, what will I do when I get up to his room?" Just turn around, and go home, he thought out loud, this is beyond ridiculous. With that thought he continued past the building, headed for home, when he saw the very confirmation he so desperately wanted to avoid. It was her car, parked behind the building, parked in the shadows, parked as if she was hiding from the police. "But she is hiding from me!" He went back to the front of the building, threw open the doors, ran up the stairs and into the hallway. Its the second door on your left, he said to himself, and there it was, number 2. "Its not too late, turn back. You already know she is here, what is left to see?" "I need to see this." He opened the door and there they were on the couch, too busy in their love making they didn't notice him standing just a few feet away. Inside he felt his stomach turn, his bones melt, and his heart disappear. Leaving the door wide open, he turned around and started to run. He thought of nothing but the look on her face, the sweat on their bodies; images like these raced through his mind like a high wind until he found himself on the bridge that spanned the river, just beyond the small hospital on the hill. What now? Why him? Why lie to me? Is this it, is this how it feels to have nothing left to live for? Before he could think about it, he was standing on the icy railing of the bridge, staring into the only unfrozen spot on the river; the place were it flows too fast to freeze, the spot right below where he was standing. What are you doing? This is stupid, you had better get down. No girl is worth this! He started to back down when his foot slipped from the railing, he tried to grab onto something, but the wind was too strong, and he lost his grip. "This isn't what I wanted", he thought as he lay trapped under the ice. All but giving up, his lungs filled with water, his arms went limp, and all went dark.

This was based on a dream of mine I had a few years ago....

Know the feeling

Its hard to explane this
Knowing you was like finding the key that fits
And now through all this time, and through cryptic ryme
We try to share whats on our minds

And how do you sleep when sanity has abandoned the wheel
How can this be, why is it so hard to deal
Being this far apart and for this long
We should feel like strangers, but thats all gone

You say you miss me, and I know the feeling
I feel like I can see you, but only when I am dreaming
And they always take me to you
They always do, ever since we were through

I can't shake these feelings, I hope they don't go
There are so many stories, so much for you to know
I hope I haven't changed, I hope I am the same
Am I the same guy running through the snow, wanting to change your last name

I hate how it all went down, how all of this changed
And if I could, I would make it all the way it was, make it all the same
But we can't change it now, just hang on to what we have
I messed up so long ago, I find myself wanting us back

I so thank you

Everything is more than it seems
I feel like ripping at the seams
Rocking back and forth
Staring at the light to the north

I am so mad at this love loss
As we act like nothings going to stop us
Your anger is just another cover
You'll never take on another lover

They have come to take me away
that's all that I needed
Your anger is just a cover
Its all that you've needed
All you've needed

From this hill no one can see
While all these trees see me
Lying backward we fall
Floating in the touch of it all

By your house this stream creeps
In my ear your poems speak
This is all that we've needed
All that we've needed

What will these years bring
Will you recognize me
I wanted you all
All of you in the fall

I still sit on our rock
Do you remember the spot
Your voice I still recall
Like a stereo left on in the hall

In February I didn't come home
You were cold and left alone
I was in my rage
An immature age

I am so sorry
Life can be so scary
And I am sorry
I am so sorry

Do you like what you see
Do you still like me
I am happy to still know you
I am happy to finally shake these blues

I thank you
I so thank you

Listen Deep

In this moment the stars vibrate with life
All is lost and more is gained
Turn out the lights and lets kiss again
I know our wrongs will make the perfect right

Hear me now, and listen deep
If I can't talk, would you speak
Words of love and spirit
Because now I am an addict for it

Can I give my old heart to you
If only I get you in return
Dark shadows fill our room
Light it up with passions burn

Arms wrap round
Breath is the only sound
Holding still for now
Minds race to catch up now

Why so many miles
So much time
Distance is the enemy
You are what I claim as mine

Daylight

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail no fight left or so it seems

I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose
though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected

thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn
drove the night toward my home
the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

Heather

You were talking about life
And I couldn’t stop staring at your red hair
I think I fell in love with you
I fell for something inside

It was the way you smiled from the corner of your mouth
And looked up while you laughed
Could you tell me why
Or what this is all about

When you finished talking, the stars shook
The waves broke
The clocks stopped
And just one word was all it took

I wish I could have predicted this
It was too good
It was too quick
And now it's on me to miss this

Why does it have to come to ruin
All that time just passed away
We no longer share hearts
Your door no longer lets me in

But this is life
This is what it’s all about
I will get over this
But I will never forget that night

Haunted by Autumn

I know why you come here
I know what it is you seek
We both know why I pen these words
You look for normality, a taste of true love,
To hold the flower you can’t keep

You know how deep I can love
You know with what intensity I can bear my soul
You know it now, you are reading it now

My dreams bring you in
The breeze keeps blowing you through my mind
And I look for you

I can’t love like I loved with you
The time it took to build
The power it released when destroyed, it scares me
We will always have that love
Like scarred shoreline it will always be there

It’s this time of year I feel you the most
I hear your voice in the yellowed trees
I feel you now, and it haunts me
I am haunted by autumn