Never Yield

They're all laughin
Because I am shadow walkin
This boy who wanton change
They're all laughin while they live so strange

Innocence, this bruised heart
Can they feel me all
Can they feel my soul
These consequences be they may
I so vow to never change
I so vow to never yield

They bend to shift my will
I relax with sharpened quill
I wonder if it will ever break

In the deep and under trees
So far gone they cannot see
Open up this gentle breeze
And I melt away

I am shadow walkin
Now my shadows laughin
These consequences be they may
I so vow to never change
I so vow to never yield

Things I miss

I remember your room, how it smelled, your bed, the porcelain masques on the walls
Sitting cross-legged on the floor, listening to little star, and talking about it all
You used to keep all your photos in your closet
All those pictures of Kansas, and people I hadn't met
Only one window gave evidence of the outside world
I always thought of you as my girl

You told me the best gift was to be free
I just never thought you meant me
That was more than a stupid crush, or silly thrill
I am in love with you, I love you still

I loved to sing to you because you liked it
I remember being at Karens' eating German chocolate
I am glad we went, and that we had the chance
I told you I would go, I promised you that
We ran through that corn field, cutting our own path
It was under the over-pass where I heard you really laugh

Pictures at the park
It was just before dark
Standing on the dock
In a kiss, our souls were locked
You told me the best gift was to be free
I just never thought you meant me

I have never hated you, I have only secretly loved you
Even during the summers in town when I would see you
I just wish we had one last hug, one last kiss
This was to let you know all the things I miss

I still love you

Just stop thinking about it

Just stop it, he thought. Just stop thinking about it; "I can't" he whispered as he stood to turn off his stereo. I need to know, and that is that. He turned quickly to his closet and pulled out his heavy coat, the coat she picked out for him, the one she always said she loved. It wouldn't have even been an issue, but she didn't call from home, I know she didn't. His thoughts became more rushed as he stood in the snow thinking about what to do next. "It has to be five below out here", he said with a puff of steam rising from his cold lips. He stood there staring at the stars. The town was quiet, as quiet as it gets near midnight. The only sounds were that of the river just behind his house, and the lonely sound of the trains' whistle far off in the valley. He knew from his first step into the frozen snow that there would be no turning back, " I have to know". Walking the dark, empty streets of his mountain town his mind was filled with thoughts that flashed memories of things he would miss if this nightmare became real. The way she would cover her mouth when she laughed to try to hold it in, how she could be so sweet and understanding right when he needed her to be, and the way she smelled; all filled his mind with each crunching footstep. Then his thoughts turned to him. He swung his arms into the cold night air at the image, at the thought of him. When he finally shook his anger, he was shocked to find himself standing in front of his destination, the small red bricked apartment building that sat right across from the now snow covered city park. "What the hell am I doing? This is stupid, and besides, what will I do when I get up to his room?" Just turn around, and go home, he thought out loud, this is beyond ridiculous. With that thought he continued past the building, headed for home, when he saw the very confirmation he so desperately wanted to avoid. It was her car, parked behind the building, parked in the shadows, parked as if she was hiding from the police. "But she is hiding from me!" He went back to the front of the building, threw open the doors, ran up the stairs and into the hallway. Its the second door on your left, he said to himself, and there it was, number 2. "Its not too late, turn back. You already know she is here, what is left to see?" "I need to see this." He opened the door and there they were on the couch, too busy in their love making they didn't notice him standing just a few feet away. Inside he felt his stomach turn, his bones melt, and his heart disappear. Leaving the door wide open, he turned around and started to run. He thought of nothing but the look on her face, the sweat on their bodies; images like these raced through his mind like a high wind until he found himself on the bridge that spanned the river, just beyond the small hospital on the hill. What now? Why him? Why lie to me? Is this it, is this how it feels to have nothing left to live for? Before he could think about it, he was standing on the icy railing of the bridge, staring into the only unfrozen spot on the river; the place were it flows too fast to freeze, the spot right below where he was standing. What are you doing? This is stupid, you had better get down. No girl is worth this! He started to back down when his foot slipped from the railing, he tried to grab onto something, but the wind was too strong, and he lost his grip. "This isn't what I wanted", he thought as he lay trapped under the ice. All but giving up, his lungs filled with water, his arms went limp, and all went dark.

This was based on a dream of mine I had a few years ago....