Never Yield

They're all laughin
Because I am shadow walkin
This boy who wanton change
They're all laughin while they live so strange

Innocence, this bruised heart
Can they feel me all
Can they feel my soul
These consequences be they may
I so vow to never change
I so vow to never yield

They bend to shift my will
I relax with sharpened quill
I wonder if it will ever break

In the deep and under trees
So far gone they cannot see
Open up this gentle breeze
And I melt away

I am shadow walkin
Now my shadows laughin
These consequences be they may
I so vow to never change
I so vow to never yield

Things I miss

I remember your room, how it smelled, your bed, the porcelain masques on the walls
Sitting cross-legged on the floor, listening to little star, and talking about it all
You used to keep all your photos in your closet
All those pictures of Kansas, and people I hadn't met
Only one window gave evidence of the outside world
I always thought of you as my girl

You told me the best gift was to be free
I just never thought you meant me
That was more than a stupid crush, or silly thrill
I am in love with you, I love you still

I loved to sing to you because you liked it
I remember being at Karens' eating German chocolate
I am glad we went, and that we had the chance
I told you I would go, I promised you that
We ran through that corn field, cutting our own path
It was under the over-pass where I heard you really laugh

Pictures at the park
It was just before dark
Standing on the dock
In a kiss, our souls were locked
You told me the best gift was to be free
I just never thought you meant me

I have never hated you, I have only secretly loved you
Even during the summers in town when I would see you
I just wish we had one last hug, one last kiss
This was to let you know all the things I miss

I still love you

Just stop thinking about it

Just stop it, he thought. Just stop thinking about it; "I can't" he whispered as he stood to turn off his stereo. I need to know, and that is that. He turned quickly to his closet and pulled out his heavy coat, the coat she picked out for him, the one she always said she loved. It wouldn't have even been an issue, but she didn't call from home, I know she didn't. His thoughts became more rushed as he stood in the snow thinking about what to do next. "It has to be five below out here", he said with a puff of steam rising from his cold lips. He stood there staring at the stars. The town was quiet, as quiet as it gets near midnight. The only sounds were that of the river just behind his house, and the lonely sound of the trains' whistle far off in the valley. He knew from his first step into the frozen snow that there would be no turning back, " I have to know". Walking the dark, empty streets of his mountain town his mind was filled with thoughts that flashed memories of things he would miss if this nightmare became real. The way she would cover her mouth when she laughed to try to hold it in, how she could be so sweet and understanding right when he needed her to be, and the way she smelled; all filled his mind with each crunching footstep. Then his thoughts turned to him. He swung his arms into the cold night air at the image, at the thought of him. When he finally shook his anger, he was shocked to find himself standing in front of his destination, the small red bricked apartment building that sat right across from the now snow covered city park. "What the hell am I doing? This is stupid, and besides, what will I do when I get up to his room?" Just turn around, and go home, he thought out loud, this is beyond ridiculous. With that thought he continued past the building, headed for home, when he saw the very confirmation he so desperately wanted to avoid. It was her car, parked behind the building, parked in the shadows, parked as if she was hiding from the police. "But she is hiding from me!" He went back to the front of the building, threw open the doors, ran up the stairs and into the hallway. Its the second door on your left, he said to himself, and there it was, number 2. "Its not too late, turn back. You already know she is here, what is left to see?" "I need to see this." He opened the door and there they were on the couch, too busy in their love making they didn't notice him standing just a few feet away. Inside he felt his stomach turn, his bones melt, and his heart disappear. Leaving the door wide open, he turned around and started to run. He thought of nothing but the look on her face, the sweat on their bodies; images like these raced through his mind like a high wind until he found himself on the bridge that spanned the river, just beyond the small hospital on the hill. What now? Why him? Why lie to me? Is this it, is this how it feels to have nothing left to live for? Before he could think about it, he was standing on the icy railing of the bridge, staring into the only unfrozen spot on the river; the place were it flows too fast to freeze, the spot right below where he was standing. What are you doing? This is stupid, you had better get down. No girl is worth this! He started to back down when his foot slipped from the railing, he tried to grab onto something, but the wind was too strong, and he lost his grip. "This isn't what I wanted", he thought as he lay trapped under the ice. All but giving up, his lungs filled with water, his arms went limp, and all went dark.

This was based on a dream of mine I had a few years ago....

Know the feeling

Its hard to explane this
Knowing you was like finding the key that fits
And now through all this time, and through cryptic ryme
We try to share whats on our minds

And how do you sleep when sanity has abandoned the wheel
How can this be, why is it so hard to deal
Being this far apart and for this long
We should feel like strangers, but thats all gone

You say you miss me, and I know the feeling
I feel like I can see you, but only when I am dreaming
And they always take me to you
They always do, ever since we were through

I can't shake these feelings, I hope they don't go
There are so many stories, so much for you to know
I hope I haven't changed, I hope I am the same
Am I the same guy running through the snow, wanting to change your last name

I hate how it all went down, how all of this changed
And if I could, I would make it all the way it was, make it all the same
But we can't change it now, just hang on to what we have
I messed up so long ago, I find myself wanting us back

I so thank you

Everything is more than it seems
I feel like ripping at the seams
Rocking back and forth
Staring at the light to the north

I am so mad at this love loss
As we act like nothings going to stop us
Your anger is just another cover
You'll never take on another lover

They have come to take me away
that's all that I needed
Your anger is just a cover
Its all that you've needed
All you've needed

From this hill no one can see
While all these trees see me
Lying backward we fall
Floating in the touch of it all

By your house this stream creeps
In my ear your poems speak
This is all that we've needed
All that we've needed

What will these years bring
Will you recognize me
I wanted you all
All of you in the fall

I still sit on our rock
Do you remember the spot
Your voice I still recall
Like a stereo left on in the hall

In February I didn't come home
You were cold and left alone
I was in my rage
An immature age

I am so sorry
Life can be so scary
And I am sorry
I am so sorry

Do you like what you see
Do you still like me
I am happy to still know you
I am happy to finally shake these blues

I thank you
I so thank you

Listen Deep

In this moment the stars vibrate with life
All is lost and more is gained
Turn out the lights and lets kiss again
I know our wrongs will make the perfect right

Hear me now, and listen deep
If I can't talk, would you speak
Words of love and spirit
Because now I am an addict for it

Can I give my old heart to you
If only I get you in return
Dark shadows fill our room
Light it up with passions burn

Arms wrap round
Breath is the only sound
Holding still for now
Minds race to catch up now

Why so many miles
So much time
Distance is the enemy
You are what I claim as mine

Daylight

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail no fight left or so it seems

I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose
though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected

thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn
drove the night toward my home
the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

Heather

You were talking about life
And I couldn’t stop staring at your red hair
I think I fell in love with you
I fell for something inside

It was the way you smiled from the corner of your mouth
And looked up while you laughed
Could you tell me why
Or what this is all about

When you finished talking, the stars shook
The waves broke
The clocks stopped
And just one word was all it took

I wish I could have predicted this
It was too good
It was too quick
And now it's on me to miss this

Why does it have to come to ruin
All that time just passed away
We no longer share hearts
Your door no longer lets me in

But this is life
This is what it’s all about
I will get over this
But I will never forget that night

Haunted by Autumn

I know why you come here
I know what it is you seek
We both know why I pen these words
You look for normality, a taste of true love,
To hold the flower you can’t keep

You know how deep I can love
You know with what intensity I can bear my soul
You know it now, you are reading it now

My dreams bring you in
The breeze keeps blowing you through my mind
And I look for you

I can’t love like I loved with you
The time it took to build
The power it released when destroyed, it scares me
We will always have that love
Like scarred shoreline it will always be there

It’s this time of year I feel you the most
I hear your voice in the yellowed trees
I feel you now, and it haunts me
I am haunted by autumn

Its not allowed

My broken heart wants a broken neck
I have done some things
I want to forget, but I can't

I know its not allowed
But sometimes you might find
It feels like nothing is
Its everything you've been

This aint real baby
I got a better excuse for myself
I am always here
Waiting on the shelf

Sit on top of this world
Tell me what your feeling
What you feel
Is what I feel for you

All I want is you
Your whole soul
If that's too much
Don't let me know

Emptiness confounds me
Loneliness astounds me
Me and you
In all I choose
Its always you

There's a way, everybody says
To do each and every little thing
But what good does it bring
If I aint got you
If I aint got you

Do you know what its like
To love somebody, to love somebody
The way I love you

'til kingdom come

Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I've never felt this way before

The wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don't know which way I am going
I don't know which way I've come

Hold my hand inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I've waited all these years

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come, and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in you blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I hear you say
"I wouldn't change a single thing"

The wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don't know which way I am going
I don't know what I've become

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
Say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

Your heart and all its visions

Your heart and all its visions
These boys they’ll never listen
For too long they’ve held you under
Your voice carries so much thunder
Your right how you felt this pain
And you said it
Down in the heat of the summer rain
It all came across and nothings faded
Try as we sleep our minds keep racing

I tried to hold on
To your heart and mine
Try to hold on
Now here we are in this moment
Singing songs, and secret poems
Written around dried out flowers
Try to hold on

Can you see in all your visions
My love, is there a clear division
For too long they’ve held us under
And I know it’s almost over
These boys and their Kansas tears
And you said it
Down in the heat of the summer rain
It all came across and nothings faded
Try as we sleep our minds keep racing

I tried to hold on

Dance with You

sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in some blissful dream
where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
and I am aglow with the taste
of the demons driven out
and happily replaced with the presence of real love
the only one who saves

I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die
with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face

the stillness in your eyes
convinces me that I, I don't know a thing
and I've been around the world
and I've tasted all the wines
a half a billion times
came sickened to your shores
you show me what this life is for

I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die
with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you

I see a sky full of the stars that change
our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
in this altered statefull of so much pain and rage
you know we got to find a way to let it go

sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in the heart of it all
where the goddess finally sleeps
after eons of war and lifetimes
she smilin' and free, nothin' left
but a cracking voice and a song,
oh lord I wanna dance with you

I see a world where people live and die
with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change
our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face

Change

I wish I could be someone else for a while
I chase the same shadows every night
They always fade into nothing under the moon light

Wasted words, wasted time
Haunts me now you were here
Time I want to bend to my will
And words I could change

If we were but who we are
Would that make it easier
Could that change how we feel

Pulled in opposite directions
We want to meet in the middle
And I left, with the woods as my witness to my pain
I stand under the stars and repeat your name

Last Words

I was seven that cold morning in the Idaho Mountains of my youth. Standing there with me, surrounding the small smoky fire was my Grandfather and his two brothers. All branches of the family had gathered there to celebrate my grandparent’s fiftieth anniversary. I stood shivering by the fire, staring at the men that I admired and glorified that towered around me, all holding a beer, and listening to their conversation about the family line. It was at that point they all looked down at me and I heard my grandfather say, “That’s it, he’s it”. Recognizing my puzzled look, my grandfather knelt down, put his large hand on my shoulder, looked at me with those blue eyes that held years of memory and said, “You are the last to carry on the Robbins name, take damn good care of it.” Those words are the last that I can remember him saying to me, and to this day they run as deep as bone.

Este Concion

We were 17 in the winter
And you walked with me that night
I wonder if you still remember
How the snowflakes shined so bright
So bright

Now time has left us lonely
And no one seems to care
Inside we feel empty
Like our ship has set sail

Do you remember in Wyoming
Underneath the full moon’s light
We used to dance together
We used to dance all night

I still love you
I know that it’s wrong
Whatever we had has left
And I should just move on